I don’t feel like going

I don’t feel like going to Australia. Seriously not joking. There’s nothing wrong with Australia, I believe. Masih aku ingat lagi at the end of first year, sebelum nak berangkat pulang ke tanah air dari bumi down under, sungguh berat. Amat berat sekali perasaan ketika itu. Aku dan rakan (mus’ab), ingat lagi ketika berada di lapangan terbang kat Melbourne, tak ingat dah apa nama lapangan terbang tu. Berdua sahaja menunggu flight nak balik pulang ke tanah air. Dah la balik for good masa tu. Dengan perasaan cuak, bersedia ke tidak, tak tahu, and we feel like we gonna miss Australia for good. It is true. Masa tu. Then, dapat berita masa second year yang kitorang akan fly balik ke Aussy for 3 months, hebat sekali perasaan. Mana taknye, doa sungguh-sungguh kot masa kat Aussy dulu, harap building Monash kat Sunway tak siap atau runtuh. Haha. Akhirnya, dapat juga balik ke Aussy, walaupun for 3 months. Banyak kenangan kat sana walaupun only for one year, and we quite proud juga la masa tu walaupun pergi for only one year, dah melawat most major city kat Aussy except Darwin dengan Tasmania.

Now, aku dah final year MBBS. Entah macam mana la boleh lepas pon still tak sure. Dengan byknye problem yang melanda, ditambah dengan meloncat dari satu tempat ke satu tempat yang lain, sungguh hebat sekali dugaan. Apatah lagi dengan Monash yg kelam kabut, batch experiment la katakan, sungguh byk sekali dugaan. Masa second year, kene pergi kajang for CBP (community based program), dahla hari-hari, lepas tu Monash tak nak support elaun minyak, menangis rasanya. Mana tak nye, dengan RM 400 sebulan dari JPA, ditambah nak byr sewa rumah dan bil. Seriously tak tahu macam mana aku dan rakan boleh survive. Tapi, despite all of that makes our bond even stronger. Kalo nak ikutkan, byk juga merungut, but everything that happen turned out to be a positive thing between us. Even through the hardship that happen, everytime kitorg borak, mesti turned out to be something that is funny and positive. A really enjoyable experience, plus hardship also la.

Bila naik third year, harapan memang menggunung pergi JB. Tempat baru, semangat baru. Tak nak ingat Sunway lagi dah. Di tambah dengan JPA bagi naik elaun, bersyukur betul masa tu, walaupun naik sikit je. Still, kitorg tak expect pulak living cost kat JB to be way high compared to Sunway. In the end, elaun yg naik tu jadi cukup2 makan jugakla. But still bersyukur daripada tak naik langsung. Teringat lagi perasaan salah seorang rakan dikala saat-saat akhir second year,

“Terbayang-bayang pantai JB”.

Last-last, takde pantai pon kat JB. Hahaha. Kalau nak tengok pantai kena pergi Desaru, tu pun aku tak pernah pergi lagi sampai masa aku post entry ni. Haha. Different experience as compared to Sunway, but heavier in terms of workload to be done here. Di tambah dengan stress that is unnecessary as a third year student kat sini. Expectation is so high that kalau tak tahu, confirm tutor (specialist) pandang lekeh. Nak buat macam mana, salah aku jugak sebab tak tahu. Tapi, at least ajar la instead of pandang lekeh dan tak bagitau apa2 langsung. Haih, nasib badan. Anyway, after some grueling battle, I walked out of third year stronger as a person. I now know how to differentiate human behavior and to differentiate between colleague and friends. I really learn how the world is and how you need to adapt on the changes that happen and move forward. I now know how to differentiate between the truth and lies. I was naïve at first to think that the world is equal. Every person has their own secret agenda and I must be careful. Anyway, that makes me stronger and knows what is important and what is not. I come out of third year closer with the One (yang Esa).

Masa fourth year, is very crucial for me. Memang masa tu fikir boleh lepas ke ni. Walaupun until that point tak pernah supp (bukan bongkak eh!), but still I have an uneasy feeling deep down inside my heart. Rasa macam tak boleh lepas. Dan kalau tak lepas, I can’t imagine seeing my friend graduating and leave me behind. Really, at the beginning of fourth year kot dah terfikir macam tu. Don’t know why, it just did. But I quickly shrug off the feeling and try my best to pass. Alhamdulillah, pass juga. But mix feeling juga la masa dapat result, I can’t describe what I feel at that time when learning about the others fate. But still, life need to goes on and those who can adapt, prepare and accept the changes that happen, and try to make changes will learn to move forward.

But now, bila nak pergi Aussy balik, rasa berat. Berat sangat. Berat because of what happen, banyak perancangan yang tergendala. But  importantly, because I will not fly to Aussy with my best friends (both of you). Nasib baik ada Amin (kawan baik jugak ni, hehe), kalau sorang, memang rasa cam tak nak pergi terus. Haha. Australia is a wonderful country, no doubt, but Malaysia is my home country. Tanah tumpahnya darah ku (literally of what has happened in January, haha). But most importantly is because of so much that need to be done here in JB, and the fact that I will go to Australia will mean I will be transferring the burden of workload to my friend here, who is still recuperating. I feel like it is unfair for me to offload the burden of my part for contributing in the dakwah here to my friend, with his problems and also as he is still recuperating. Hope that everything went well for him (you know who you are) and hopefully can get better soon. Seriously this place has a lot of potential, but lack of the energy it needed. But, things are different here now as compared to when my friend and I first come here. Alhamdulillah. Really wish that I can contribute more.

Things that happened bring to a bigger and deeper bond between us. As the Malay community here  in Monash is very sikit (rasanya macam tak sampai 10%), we at jalan Mustaffa have a bigger bond as we was masa mula2 second year dulu. Well, I do not know whether I am improving or not, but I can say for myself that I came out of those years stronger in my heart and also as a person. I have no more doubt that I can cope with the work stress here in Malaysia, although I admit masih lagi berkira-kira nak bekerja dekat mana. The art of human being is unique and I believe you can never, ever finish learning about yourself and others behavior.

Still feel like not going to Australia. Hope that things change in these few weeks, but I guess this phrase that I come out myself is really indeed is for me.

“Those who are brave enough to accept changes and make changes will learn to move forward”

Sekadar perkongsian.

Allahua’alam.

p/s: Kalau nak ikutkan, memang byk nak tulis, tapi my mind tells me cukup2 la tu. Hehe. Rasa macam ada element of circumstantiality je. :)